LOSSES ARE HARD! We all have them some time or another. It’s the part of the human condition I like least.
Learning to do life without the love of my life these past two months has been SURELY the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It’s second in comparison only to what it might be like trying to find joy and meaning in a life without God. Even the thought is incredible.
Not by my choice am I in this place. I held my husband in my arms and nursed him for seven months when countless times it seemed as if it would be his last day on earth. I would have gladly continued caring for him forever.
God assures me in Psalm 139 that I can trust Wayne’s appointed time of death was known at his birth by His loving Father. I believe God had magnificent angels transport Wayne into His mansion of glory.
Wayne repeatedly said he didn’t want to leave me. I didn’t want him to! I couldn’t bear to see his pain with no hope of it ending. I understood fully that his only sadness was being without me for a time. I assured him I wouldn’t be long. I told him to wait for me near the gate.
Wayne was so ready to meet Jesus face to face. He never doubted for a second that He’d be waiting for him. Accepting Wayne’s decision was my last and greatest act as his help-mate.
Now all I have is the huge hole created by his absence. Nothing seems worth doing or significant. The pain I carry seems to double my body weight. Maybe others can’t see my heaviness, but I feel it every second.
Wayne’s body on earth had ceased to be a worthy vessel for all he was. Wayne’s spirit longed to be free. I wanted that for him too. I knew his absence would hurt and I’d scarcely survive.
I pray you never have to face a loss of a beloved spouse, parent or child like this, but if you do maybe these thoughts below help.
SILENCE SOOTHES ME AS I WALK THRU THE HOUSE IN THE MORNING AFTER I AWAKE THAT I MAY HEAR THE VOICE OF GOD AND REMEMBER WAYNE.
SPEAKING PRAISES ALOUD TO GOD EACH MORNING AND NIGHT.
These are some of mine: Praising God that my beloved is fully able to hear, see, sing, run, golf, dance and that he is with God every moment. If he can’t be with me that’s the only place I can bear for him to be that I know is better.
Praising Jesus for being God of the universe. Not a sparrow falls to the ground without Him knowing and allowing it. He designed a life span of fullness of strength for each of us. (And He extended Wayne’s far beyond the majority.)
Praising Jesus that our children have lived into their fifties and sixties with a father on earth. How extraordinary is that!
Praising Jesus for a husband who cherished and loved me so deeply and expressed it in such beautiful ways through touch, gifts, words, his time and devotion.
Praising God that His Holy Spirit will guide me minute by minute to maximize the remaining time I have on earth.
SMALL ACTIONS HELP TOO LIKE SENDING A NOTE OF GRATITUDE TO SOMEONE FOR SOMETHING EACH DAY. I’ve been blessed to have been affirmed many times throughout my life and I know how encouraging this can be.
BEING WITH PEOPLE at least 1-2 hours each day even if it’s only sitting in a library or coffee shop. Yes, I am trying to stay busy.
SAVORING GOD’S BEAUTY AROUND ME. Lord what a marvelous day in the gorgeous Upper Gardens! Even as my tears flow softly I can see Your beauty all around me. I can only imagine what Wayne must be seeing.
WATCHING THE SUNSET EVERY NIGHT AND SPENDING TIME IN NATURE LIKE MY VISIT WITH THESE BEAUTIFUL HORSES.
TRUSTING JESUS is with me to help me overcome the challenges of each day. My greatest challenge is learning to thrive in loneliness. I walk into a room where Wayne should be, and pain clutches inside my chest and tears stream. Where they all come from I can’t imagine. This isn’t the life I know or want.
Only Jesus can help through horrendous losses.
PRAYER:
Lord, I pray You will show me what is to be my new schedule as a woman husbanded by God and I trust that You will continue each day. May I be a blessing to others even now. MAY MY GRIEVING ADULT CHILDREN TO FIND COMFORT IN YOUR PRESENCE.
Psalm 61:2 “From the end of the earth will I call unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed: Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.”
WRITING EVENTS UPDATE:
Not much new writing happening but I will be at the Angelus Shop in Walworth, WI for their Christmas Open House and a book signing. Nov. 12th. It’s always a lovely event. Writer friend Carol Paur will be there also launching her new book. My Unforgettable Stories For Kids and Tommy Smurlee/Grella Weller series makes great children’s gifts!
